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Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

December 14th, 2008


Here’s a prime example of “Men Are  From Mars, Women Are From Venus”
  
 offered by an English professor from the  University of Phoenix.  The professor told his class one day, “Today we  will experiment with a
  
 new form called the tandem story. The process is  simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her  immediate right. As homework
 tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and  send another copy to me.
 The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending  another copy to me. The first
 person will then add a third paragraph, and  so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time  in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking 
 outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the  e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been  reached.”

 

      The following was actually turned in by two of his students,  Rebecca and
  
       Gary.

 
 
 

      THE STORY

 
 

      (1st paragraph by  Rebecca)

 

      At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
  
       chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,  now
  
       reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that  he
  
       liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind 
  
 off
  
       Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him 
  
 too
  
       much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of  the
  
       question.

 
 

      (2nd paragraph by Gary)

 

      Meanwhile, Advance  Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
  
 now
  
       in orbit over  Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
  
       neuroses of an  air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
  
       spent one sweaty  night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,”
  
 he
  
       said into his  transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No
  
 sign
  
       of resistance  so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle
  
 BEAM
  
       FLASHED out  of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay.
  
 The
  
       jolt from  the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across  the
  
       cockpit.

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      He bumped his head and died almost  immediately, but not before he felt
  
       one last pang of regret for psychically  brutalizing the one woman who had
  
       ever had feelings for him. Soon  afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
  
       hostilities towards the peaceful  farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes
  
 Law
  
       Permanently Abolishing War and  Space Travel, “Laurie read in her
  
 newspaper
  
       one morning. The news  simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
  
 stared
  
       out the window,  dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
  
 unhurriedly
  
       and carefree,  with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her
  
 from
  
       her sense of  innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why
  
       must one lose  one’s innocence to become a woman?” she wondered 
  
 wistfully.

 
 

      (Gary)

 

      Little did she know, but she had less than  10 seconds to live. Thousands
  
 of
  
       miles above the city, the Anudrian  mothership launched the first of its
  
       lithium fusion missiles. The  dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
  
       Unilateral Aerospace disarmament  Treaty through the congress had left
  
 Earth
  
       a defenseless target for the  hostile alien empires who were determined to
  
       destroy the human race. Within  two hours after the passage of the treaty
  
 the
  
       Anudrian ships were on course  for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
  
       pulverize the entire planet. With  no one to stop them, they swiftly
  
       initiated their diabolical plan. The  lithium fusion missile entered the
  
       atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in  his top-secret mobile submarine
  
       headquarters on the ocean floor off the  coast of Guam, felt the
  
       inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized  poor, stupid Laurie.

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      This is absurd. I refuse to  continue this mockery of literature. My
  
 writing
  
       partner is a violent,  chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

 
 

      (Gary)
  
       Yeah? Well, my  writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
  
       attempts at  writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I
  
 have
  
       chamomile  tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no,
  
       WHAT AM I to  do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle
  
       Steele  novels!”

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      Asshole

 
 

      (Gary)

 

      Bitch

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      F$%^  YOU, YOU NEANDERTHAL!

 
 

      (Gary)

 

      Go drink some tea,  whore.

 
 

      (TEACHER)

 

      A+ . . . I really liked this  one.

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