Uncle Jay Explains the News

Enjoy the recap!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWiXy55OHyY

Uncle Jay Explains the News Stories of 2008

Chuckle out the old year

>>>> If you need a good laugh, try reading through these
>>>> children’s science
>>>> exam answers…
>>>>
>>>> Q: Name the four seasons.
>>>> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>>>>
>>>> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
>>>> safe to
>>>> drink.
>>>> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
>>>> large
>>>> pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>>>>
>>>> Q: How is dew formed?
>>>> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
>>>> perspire.  < BR>
>>>> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love
>>>> this!)
>>>> A: Keep it in the cow.
>>>>
>>>> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
>>>> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
>>>> All water tends
>>>> to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
>>>> moon, and
>>>> nature hates a vacuu m. I forget where the sun joins in
>>>> this fight.
>>>>
>>>> Q: What are steroids?
>>>> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>>>>
>>>> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
>>>> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
>>>> intercontinental
>>>>
>>>> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
>>>> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
>>>> adultery.
>>>> (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
>>>> < B>
>>>> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
>>>> A: Premature death.
>>>>
>>>> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g.,
>>>> abdomen)
>>>> A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium,
>>>> the borax and
>>>> the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the
>>>> borax
>>>> contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
>>>> contains the five
>>>> bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
>>>>
>>>> Q: What is the fibula?
>>>> A: A small lie.
>>>>
>>>> Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean? (I do love this
>>>> one…)
>>>> A: Nearby.
>>>>
>>>> Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian
>>>> Section.’
>>>> A: The Caesarian Sect ion is a district in Rome.
>>>>
>>>> Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
>>>> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Robin Williams in England

http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/30/robin-williams-on-obamas-election/

Commercialism at it’s finest!

GUYS – DON’T GIVE BAD PRESENTS – YOU’LL END UP IN THE DOGHOUSE!

This is HILARIOUS! It’s an ad campaign from JC Penny about where men go when they give BAD XMAS GIFTS!  Yes, it’s the commercialism of the holiday but I have to admit I find the ad creative and very funny!  

http://blog.wired.com/business/2008/12/welcome-to-the.html 

Mark Fiore cartoons

Some holiday cheer
http://www.markfiore.com/

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are  From Mars, Women Are From Venus”
  
 offered by an English professor from the  University of Phoenix.  The professor told his class one day, “Today we  will experiment with a
  
 new form called the tandem story. The process is  simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her  immediate right. As homework
 tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and  send another copy to me.
 The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending  another copy to me. The first
 person will then add a third paragraph, and  so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time  in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking 
 outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the  e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been  reached.”

 

      The following was actually turned in by two of his students,  Rebecca and
  
       Gary.

 
 
 

      THE STORY

 
 

      (1st paragraph by  Rebecca)

 

      At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
  
       chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,  now
  
       reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that  he
  
       liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind 
  
 off
  
       Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him 
  
 too
  
       much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of  the
  
       question.

 
 

      (2nd paragraph by Gary)

 

      Meanwhile, Advance  Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
  
 now
  
       in orbit over  Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
  
       neuroses of an  air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
  
       spent one sweaty  night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,”
  
 he
  
       said into his  transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No
  
 sign
  
       of resistance  so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle
  
 BEAM
  
       FLASHED out  of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay.
  
 The
  
       jolt from  the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across  the
  
       cockpit.

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      He bumped his head and died almost  immediately, but not before he felt
  
       one last pang of regret for psychically  brutalizing the one woman who had
  
       ever had feelings for him. Soon  afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
  
       hostilities towards the peaceful  farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes
  
 Law
  
       Permanently Abolishing War and  Space Travel, “Laurie read in her
  
 newspaper
  
       one morning. The news  simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
  
 stared
  
       out the window,  dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
  
 unhurriedly
  
       and carefree,  with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her
  
 from
  
       her sense of  innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why
  
       must one lose  one’s innocence to become a woman?” she wondered 
  
 wistfully.

 
 

      (Gary)

 

      Little did she know, but she had less than  10 seconds to live. Thousands
  
 of
  
       miles above the city, the Anudrian  mothership launched the first of its
  
       lithium fusion missiles. The  dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
  
       Unilateral Aerospace disarmament  Treaty through the congress had left
  
 Earth
  
       a defenseless target for the  hostile alien empires who were determined to
  
       destroy the human race. Within  two hours after the passage of the treaty
  
 the
  
       Anudrian ships were on course  for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
  
       pulverize the entire planet. With  no one to stop them, they swiftly
  
       initiated their diabolical plan. The  lithium fusion missile entered the
  
       atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in  his top-secret mobile submarine
  
       headquarters on the ocean floor off the  coast of Guam, felt the
  
       inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized  poor, stupid Laurie.

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      This is absurd. I refuse to  continue this mockery of literature. My
  
 writing
  
       partner is a violent,  chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

 
 

      (Gary)
  
       Yeah? Well, my  writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
  
       attempts at  writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I
  
 have
  
       chamomile  tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no,
  
       WHAT AM I to  do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle
  
       Steele  novels!”

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      Asshole

 
 

      (Gary)

 

      Bitch

 
 

      (Rebecca)

 

      F$%^  YOU, YOU NEANDERTHAL!

 
 

      (Gary)

 

      Go drink some tea,  whore.

 
 

      (TEACHER)

 

      A+ . . . I really liked this  one.

FUNNY: the Man from Marin

50 strange buildings

Just for fun….. http://villageofjoy.com/50-strange-buildings-of-the-world/

Fun Way to Feed People!

Hi everyone,

I just learned about a new very fun website www.freerice.com <http://www.freerice.com>   , which was created by Harvard Univ. and the UN.  Here’s the deal:  you play a game and each answer you get correct donates 20 grains of rice to the UN World Food Program.  Each answer you get correct will lead you to a slightly harder question, incorrect to an easier question, and so on.  There are all kinds of categories from English vocabulary, lanugages, art, geography, math, science.  Spend just 10 minutes and you can feed someone for an entire day~~great way to ‘waste time’ isn’t it, and you increase your brain power while you do it.

Love,
Heather 

Marry Yourself at the Dragonfly Ranch

Upscale Treehouse Honeymoon Destination for Singles. 
 The legendary Dragonfly Ranch (voted #1 B&B in West Hawaii), has hosted happy honeymooners for 25+ years. Now it is also catering to individuals who wish to formalize their own personal male/female union.
Soul Proprietor of this Healing Arts Center, Barbara Moore, is offering $1000 in lodging for the winner of the “Be Your Own Valentine” vow writing contest. Vows will be judged on authenticity, poetic beauty, and humor. Please submit entries to Barbara at: info@dragonflyranch.com
The lucky winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day, 2009.
www.dragonflyranch.com <http://www.dragonflyranch.com>  
• 808-328-215